I avoid the use of sarcasm at all times.

I’m frequently asked to write a book on parenting.  Okay, maybe not frequently but there was that one time.  Granted, it was my mom who mentioned it.  And she was being sarcastic.  (Which isn’t nice, Mom.  Words hurt.)  That is why I avoid the use of sarcasm at all times.   (See what I did there?  I was just sarcastic about sarcasm.  That’s skill.)

So, choosing to ignore the sarcastic undertones of my mother’s statement, (which may or may not have been made when I packed the three kids for a weekend at her house with two pairs of underwear, a bag of dirty clothes and a pink feather boa), I’m excited to present the chapters of my book.  The chapters are all named after real live quotes direct from my family.    

Chapter One, “Make sure you don’t pee on your angel wings”

Obviously, this chapter will discuss grace … and personal hygiene.

Chapter Two, “Mom will you help me catch a fly?  A dead one.  They’re easier to catch”

This chapter will cover setting reasonable goals.

Chapter Three, “Daddy said I could wear this instead of something appropriate.” 

This chapter will focus on the time-honored debate over glitter, eye masks, and fairy wings.  It could also be titled, “She picked her own outfit today.”

Chapter Four, “God is in our hearts.  Because He can’t get out.  Our hearts don’t have doors.” 

This chapter could also be titled, “David, stop smelling the Communion wine.”  It’ll talk about faith and parenting and also religion, because children and religion are a hilarious combination. Did you hear the one about Jesus coming back from the dead to take our Easter eggs?  My son’s Baptist preschool teacher did.  She wasn’t so much disappointed by his statement as by my inability to stop laughing.  Shining parental moment.  (It makes sense though.  Jesus rose from the dead.  We hide eggs.) 

Chapter Five, “Mom, I’m arranging all the books on my bookshelf from appropriate to inappropriate.” 

I’m sure it needs no explanation – this chapter will cover organization.

Chapter Six, “Mommy, who’s watching over Molly now?  The hookers?”

This chapter will cover parental humiliation.  Click here for a sneak preview.

What do you think?  Literary masterpiece in the making, I know.  Alert Oprah.  Do you have any chapter suggestions?

13 thoughts on “I avoid the use of sarcasm at all times.

    1. Man, how could I have forgotten the zucchini hat? Every parenting book should have a section on a healthy diet. And, on an oddly related note, I’ve heard that we lose 80% of our heat out of our heads. Hats are important, as are zucchini. It’s a marriage made in heaven.

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