I’ve been blogging for a while now and I’m consistently inconsistent. My plan is to start blogging more regularly; I find it helps me maintain my sanity. However, one thing I’ve been doing consistently ever since I found Renée Schuls-Jacobson’s blog Teachers & Twits is reading it. She is fantastic – makes me laugh, cry, and think. I tend to read her posts while drying my hair in the morning. And while I love Renée, she has been solely responsible for some pretty bad hair days.
So, it is with no small amounts of blogging awe (nerdy giddiness?) that I’m linking to her blog because today I’M HER GUEST BLOGGER!!! Me, she of the inconsistent posts and bad hair.
Please click on her picture below (I know, I know … she’s beautiful and smart) and comment at her place. Her place! Because that’s where I am!! (Have I mentioned that Renée has some of the best discussions in blogland in her comment section?)
Sometimes when I’m at work driving from patient to patient, losing minutes to miles and heading in one direction but needed in others and carrying only my inadequate arsenal of words and empathy and resources, I want to yell:
I AM NOT ENOUGH!
I’m not enough to stop their pain.
I’m not enough to make the cancer go away.
I’m not enough to give them more time to love, to savor, to live.
Sometimes when I’m at home and I’m tending to broken skin and hurt feelings and striving for enough time to fill them with the messages that will carry them through life while my mind is distracted by work and home and lists and calendars, I want to cry:
I am not enough.
I’m not enough to protect my babies from cruelty and judgement and heartbreak.
I’m not enough to keep them innocent and naive and little.
I’m not enough to protect them from the storm.
And being not enough is terrifying and wonderful.
I am not enough.
And a still, small voice answers: “But I Am.”